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Featured Inspirational Author |
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Alice
May is the pseudonym of a North Carolina author who has published
twenty-four romance novels under another name.
However, don’t look for rose-colored glasses in her daily
meditation book Surviving Betrayal.
Alice May is a survivor of spousal betrayal and a member of a local
women’s support group discovering strength in their faith and
themselves. “I’ve
devoted the last five years to working as a personal coach for women whose
lives are in crisis, typically either from the effects of infidelity,
alcoholism or other addiction in a loved one.
The only thing that qualifies me to help is that I’ve survived
these experiences myself and know what works.
I pass on the healing skills other women taught me when I was in
pain. In fact, when I needed help, I knew instinctively that the
only way I would survive was by finding others who had experienced similar
betrayals. I also worked with
a therapist, as many of the women I coach do; but we all know we would be
lost without the support of other women who have walked in our shoes.
I was instrumental in establishing a support group in the town
where I live and that group thrives today, with more than a dozen members
who are finding their own personal path to healing.” Where
many women in today’s society would end the marriage and move on, Alice
May chose to work through the betrayal.
Though the assumption can be made that her choice speaks to her
spiritual faith and love for her husband, Alice puts it this way, “I
think the truth was that I was so broken, so devastated by all that had
happened that I was incapable of making a decision to leave the
relationship. At times I had
little or no belief that the relationship would ever heal.
But I knew this: If I placed myself and the marriage in God’s
hands, the right thing would happen; and that I would heal, no matter what
happened to the marriage." “Is the marriage saved? Today things are much better. Today I do have a fairly strong measure of belief in the relationship’s future. But I also believe today that I am now strong enough to walk away from the relationship if it becomes obvious my husband doesn’t have the same commitment I do. Today, I like to say I’m married one day at a time. And that’s working for both of us.” Did
your experience as a romance author aid you in writing the emotional
extremes one goes through when betrayed by a spouse?
Actually,
I believe it was the other way around.
The depth of emotions I experienced during the last ten years
became one of my greatest gifts in writing fiction.
As fiction writers, we must draw upon the deep, the dark, the
sublime, the transforming events in our lives.
It’s that bleeding on the page thing.
As I salvaged my own spirit, I was able to salvage the spirits of
my characters, as well. Did
you work harder at saving the marriage because of your spiritual beliefs
and the ideals presented in romance fiction? I worked hard
at saving myself spiritually and I believe that is why the marriage is
still intact today. The rest
of the question is harder to deal with.
In the early years of writing romance fiction, I often spoke in
interviews about my belief in the power of love to transform our lives.
Today, I’m sorry to say, I’m not so sure I have that much faith
in the power of romantic love. Has
surviving spousal betrayal clouded your ideal of “happily ever after”
and your romance fiction writing? Yes.
But at least I can say that without bitterness, which I suppose is
one of the many miracles I’ve been blessed with in recent years.
I know without a doubt that the happily-ever-afters we end our
novels with are pure fantasy. True
love, real love, mature love, is about supporting one another through the
difficult times. It doesn’t rescue us from the difficulties, it just gives
us a bit of a cushion when the difficulties hit.
Writing happily-ever-after became increasingly difficult over the
last four years and I fear I have written my last romantic novel.
But I believe that opens the door for me to write other kinds of
fiction. So I’m looking
forward to where my talents can be used next. In
a society where second marriages are becoming the norm, is there any
advice you would give to newlyweds who are survivors of betrayal from past
relationships? To
any newlyweds, previously betrayed or not, I would say that every marriage
is made up of two flawed people. None
of us is perfect. We will
hurt the people we love and they will hurt us.
We will all let one another down in one way or another.
But if you make a commitment to learning from whatever happens in
your marriage, if you turn over the relationship to your personal Higher
Power to heal, if you see everything life brings as an opportunity to
become a more spiritual person, you will find joy.
No matter what, you will find joy.
And joy is better than happiness.
Far better. Though
you designed your meditations for women, is there any reason men who have
been betrayed would not be helped as well?
What about betrayal in other relationships? I’m
sure many of the passages in Surviving Betrayal would be as
pertinent to men as to women. Others
would not. For example, I strongly urge seeking the support of other
women in the journey to healing. Although
this is a generality and a stereotype to boot, I’m not sure men would
find or even be willing to seek the kind of support from other men that
women can and do provide their sisters in pain.
Also, many authorities agree that women are unfaithful, in general,
for different reasons than men. Those
differences might certainly color a man’s response to his wife’s
betrayal in ways I haven’t addressed in the book.
As far as betrayals by friends, colleagues, family, many of the
suggestions in the book would work for healing any kind of relationship. But the book deals so specifically with sexual betrayal I
think others would be hard pressed to identify and benefit. Why
did you choose a daily devotional rather than a memoir? What
a wonderful question! No one
else has asked and I’m so glad you did.
I may yet write a memoir; in fact, my husband is considering one,
as well, so who knows, we may do a joint project.
But my goal with this book was not simply to unburden myself, but
to provide other women with a blueprint for healing.
I’m a very results-oriented person and I wanted to pass on to
others the very concrete process I used, that others have used.
This process works, it heals, it gives women back their spirits.
All I wanted to accomplish was to give women something to hang onto
during a dark time in their lives. Perhaps
the most important reason is that this is the project my Higher Power gave
me to do. The idea for the
book came to me as a title, which popped into my head one morning as I was
on my way to my word processor. And
I believe today that God gave me the project as a way to remain focused on
my healing, and as a way to further my healing.
Much of the book was written while I was still in the depths of my
pain and my struggle. Writing
the book healed me; I hope reading it will heal others. You
created a local support group. How
has this aided your healing process? I
could not have survived without them.
And the book could not have been written without them, either.
We held each other up; we cried together; we laughed together; we
loved one another through the worst experiences in our lives.
Women
are awesome. And I
wouldn’t have fully appreciated that if I hadn’t been forced to turn
to them. What
do you feel is the most common reaction when one discovers their spouse is
betraying the relationship? Denial.
So many of us have a desperate need to turn our backs on the truth,
to pretend it never happened, to ignore the fall-out and pretend we can
keep it from ever happening again. We fall into hypervigilance, which is really another face of
denial. We’re frantically
searching for the key to controlling our spouses, the marriage. We want nothing more than for everything to return to normal
and we believe we can find a way to make that happen, if we’re
hypervigilant enough. And, of
course, that is one reason more betrayals often follow.
We turn our backs on reality; we become focused on control rather
than consequences; we contribute to an atmosphere of secrecy rather than
openness. As
a writer, do you feel the time required to write in solitude robbed your
spouse of time together? Actually,
the betrayals happened at a time when we both had home offices. We were together more than most couples.
We still are. What
are the stages one goes through from betrayal to spiritually healed? Here
are the five steps I suggest and elaborate on in Surviving Betrayal.
Surrender, self-discovery, unburdening, daily awareness and giving
back. In surrender, we must
recognize that we have no control over our spouse and his decision to
cheat again. This step
enables us to stop blaming ourselves and lays the groundwork for regaining
the parts of ourselves we’ve lost when we became so focused on making
him behave or winning him back. In
self-discovery, we keep the focus on ourselves by exploring who we are,
how we may have attracted or contributed to a less-than-healthy marriage,
and who we are capable of becoming. In
unburdening, we share with other women the things we’re learning about
ourselves, which sets the stage for forgiving ourselves and others.
Daily awareness focuses us squarely on our spiritual healing and
our relationship with whatever Higher Power we believe in; it keeps us
centered no matter what is going on around us.
And giving back helps us keep our spiritual connection and the
healing principles we’ve learned at the center of our lives. Do
you have other spiritual books on the drawing board? I
do. My stepdaughter, who is
in college and far wiser than I was at that age, and I are presently
working on a survival guide for teenaged girls.
My husband and I would like to write a book about healing troubled
relationships by focusing on spiritual solutions as a couple.
I am also working on a novel, and I don’t believe I’ll ever
again be able to write fiction without incorporating at least some
elements of redemption and spiritual healing.
Wish me luck. Surviving
Betrayal, HarperSanFrancisco, 1999 © 2000 Joyce Dixon, All Rights Reserved |
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